Lanikai Pillbox Hike, Oahu (2016)
I have to be completely honest here – I have no idea what I’m doing in my life. Looking back at the past couple of years it feels like I drifted off from one day to the next, taking circumstances as it is and always hoping that somehow, whatever happens, it was what’s best. It’s one of the reasons I have tried to cut off my browsing through blogs and Instagram feeds – the whole thing of people (seemingly) inspiring others to go for their dreams and find their life’s purpose because it’s been working for them somehow became rather toxic; I, too, wanted to exert passion and effort into what I love and get so much in return… except I have no idea what it is.
My fear of failure slowly turned into fear of wanting to do so many things that I might not end up doing all of them. I am far too limited, too small for all that I want to do.
Hello there. I know I haven’t been on here for a handful of months (I’ve had severe cases of writer’s block caused by too much stress from work) but I promise I’ll make it up soon. Jaime just finished his vacation here for a week and I have tons to write about it. I can’t wait to tell you guys some stories.
In the mean time, I do have something to announce. It’s been cooking up for months now and I can now finally say it – I’ve been chosen as one of the writers featured in this anthology from Z Poetry. Three of my pieces are published in this book: Lost Habits, An Open Letter to Loneliness, and This Is How You Fly. I still can’t believe I’m chosen to be a part of this project. The anthology composes of many beautiful writings from poets all over the world and I’m happy my works get to be featured amongst them.
Thank you to Zach Zimmerman for making this happen and thank you to those who have always believed in me and my writing. I hope to have more confidence and strength in sharing my words with you and the world.
You can now purchase it through Amazon (Ebook and Book version) in here
and Smashwords in here.
If you have purchased the book on Amazon, I’d love for you to write a review about the book and my writing. Let me know if you have sent in a review!
Hawaii summer blooms are all around, despite slight drizzle that we’ve been having every now and then lately. The weather these past few days has been so lovely.
Work-wise. I got promoted (!!!!) and was transferred in a different department, from Trend Accessories to Sunglasses. I’m still under the same manager; I feel lucky to be mentored by her, honestly. Aside from sales, I’m now a Designer Sunglass Specialist. It’s still a lot to take in. I’ve been busy, from studying products and merchandising of a lot of brands to taking small steps outside of my comfort zone in managing a team. It’s a lot of information to learn in a short matter of time, and of course with the new title comes more responsibilities. I’ve been telling Jaime that perhaps I need to brush on my leadership/coaching and that I should probably meditate a lot more often because the thought of failing at the position is giving me so much anxiety that I can actually feel that I’m a wreck.
I told my older sister once, I may be one of those who could be in love with two people at once. She laughed and said, it’s probably because I am in love with love itself. In fact, I fall half-in love with almost everyone I meet.
It’s quite true though. F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, “There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.” I didn’t get it before, the first time I read his words years and years ago. But now that I’ve gotten older, I want to slap myself for foolishly thinking that out of billions of souls in the world, there could only be one who’s meant for you. It’s not fair, really. Because I finally knew what Scott meant when he said those words, and I knew it so clearly I could see it burn through the back of my hand and pulse its way through my wrists and settle through my veins: love exists in many different forms. And whether or not we’re meant for one person in the entirety of the universe, we can have more than one soulmate in our life time. Not every soulmate has to be romantic.
It was dark and it was raining and if it were a different circumstance in a possible different universe, you would’ve hated it. But you were in this one – the realest one – and you both were laughing and running and for a split second, nothing else mattered. You think to yourself, if you could spend the rest of your life just laughing like this, raindrops kissing your cheeks, not caring about the inevitable morning that lies ahead, and the next ones after that, then it wouldn’t be so bad at all. The whole world seems so much brighter despite the rain.
But even though her smile reminds you of the way flowers turn to the sun in spring and she smells like frail hope and a splash of promise, even though she is here and she is laughing and she is real – it’s quite funny how close someone could be to you and yet there is so much distance. You can feel it, as the skies cried and the wind gets harsher, that she would someday pull away. So when she looks at you, millions of words unsaid, hanging above you both in a trail of what if’s, it all shatters down and falls around you with the pouring rain.
Because there was no other reality that existed besides this – you love her, but she belonged to someone else. And when she hugs you her last goodbye, you wished, in that second, that there could be thousands of other moments just like this. You wished time would stop, like it would’ve happened in movies, just so you could hold on to this – to her – just a bit longer. But reality only lets you have two seconds at most, and it was completely unfair, and when she walks away you stand there, frozen, helplessly staring at the empty space that stretches farther and farther between you and her.
There was nothing else, but the rain.